It's NaNoWriMo Time!
See you in December
I exclaimed in horror after stepping on the scales this morning, "I am so fat and ugly!" My wife in the next breath said, "Well, you're not fat..." which she thought was so clever but I don't think it's clever to paraphrase the insults of Winston Churchill. That just makes you a parrot and not a very good one at that.
My name is Estefan and I am the Mexican attache to the United Nations. Not the actual United Nations in New York City mind you, but the United Nations Waffle House in St. Louis, Missouri where we got a nice sausage and waffles special every Monday.
These are possible openings for the novel that I will be writing over the next 30 days as I participate in NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Billed as a literary orgy of "really big" proportions by its organizers, NaNoWriMo is an opportunity for fledgling wannabe writers such as myself to deliver hurried, disjointed, and poorly edited prose to the world, whether the world wants it or not.
Here are the rules: competitors must produce a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days. That's 1666 words or 6.6 pages of copy for each and every day of November. It doesn't have to be Theodore Shakespeare, with NaNoWriMo it's quantity over quality. You can't start until November 1st and you can't finish after the 30th. That's it.
The prize? Nothing, except the satisfaction of being able to say that you finally wrote that novel you've always been meaning to write. And a web page badge for your home page. Because of the dearth of prizes, I guess that's why there will be little verifiable cheating amongst this year's 150,000 plus participants - because what's the point?
I've tried NaNoWriMo once before and failed. Back in 2006, I wrote down barely 2000 words before unceremoniously quitting and then furiously rationalizing excuses for why I quit. My one big reason, and it's the one I'm sticking to, was that I chose a plot that required research, which I did not do, and then when I got stuck on one small point, I had neither the time to research or the ability...ah whatever. This time, I have no plot idea. The words will be the thing. And to help me succeed I am going to drop out of sight until the end of November - I will host no fabulous dinner parties, I will do no web site updates, no checking email; I'm not even going to do dishes, take out the garbage, or beat the children (though Patti doesn't know that yet...) I swear on my mother's grave that I am going to do at least the requisite 1666 words per day even if I must resort to: "It was a rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy day, yet strangely, I was dry..."
And I know that the only way I will be able to generate that many words in such a short time will be if I minimize all distractions while writing. I think I have found the most beautiful tool with which to do that. It's called Q10 and I'm actually writing this post with it right now. Q10 is a minimalist editor. It runs beautifully on a USB key. It has a fully customizable auto-save that actually works. It has spell checker, it has word counts, it has a notes feature, it has auto-correction. It has quick-text and alarm timers. It even has the ability to make a typewriter sound as you type. Including the carriage return bell! (It's funny, my kids have no idea what typewriter even sounds like...) It has been custom-designed for NaNoWriMo. It's well documented, and it's free. You can tell it was programmed with skill, certainly more skill than I have. And it works perfectly. Beautifully. It's pretty light on instructions though, so I've created my own Q10 Reference Card and printed that out to refer to when necessary...
So! Wish me luck! Pay me a visit at some point during November to see how I'm doing, and I'll talk to you in December!
But I squashed those panicky feelings down and about an hour later had produced 1800 words of the shittiest prose to ever fall out of my head, handily beating my previous NaNoWriMo total word count record.
Therefore I begin Day Two very pleased with myself.
I think the point is that what hold most people back is that they sit in front of their computers and write nothing, even if they have an idea to begin with. This is supposed to get things going, and it really does! Here we are on Day 4 and I've still got crap, but it's less crappy than it was on Day 1.
I'm watching your progress. I can see that you need an on-line nag, because, buddy, you're behind your daily goal. I appoint myself to be your official PITA. Here goes the first nudge:
What have you been doing with your time!? Do you think this book is going to write itself? Step it up, buddy, or I'll have to visit the Great White North and...and...well...you don't want me to come up there!
I know I sound harsh, but it's for your own good.
Nicky says "hi."
Ron
p.s.: I've started blogging. I'll send you the link if you ever feel like you can't sleep and you need something to make you feel really tired.
Man, for EACH and EVERY of the past 8 days, I've drawn a complete blank each time it has come time to sit down and write. Hoppe's Law number 7 seems to be that the number of incredible writing ideas increases the further away you are from a method of recording said those incredible writing ideas.
The moment I walk away from this keyboard my mind will positively clog with literary GOLD, and they will totally evaporate when I sit down again to write.
But I have learned how to be incredibly verbose about topics that could be expressed in about 5 words, like the topic above...
Looks like you're doing well. Keep on keepin' on! We can do this, no matter what the cost!
Friends and family may find themselves cast to the wayside as we venture forth, triumphant in our endeavours. Our employers may let us go, and earth itself may come to an end, but we will march on to that victory we seek.
50 thousand words in four weeks.
I jabbed the barrel of the pistol into the back of his neck. "Write!" I screamed at him, and I could see the flecks of my spit shining on his greasy hair.
"Wh-what do you want me to write?" he was crying pretty hard. I shouldn't have been surprised I guess. He had also wet his pants about an hour ago while he was still unconscious. I didn't even know that an unconscious person could do that. He had also wet half the carpet at the same time. He must have had the bladder of an elephant.
"I already told you, it's not what you write that counts, it's the quantity. Write. Now. Or die." I punctuated each statement with a tap from the pistol, and then I hit him again with the butt. I didn't want to hit him too hard or I might knock him out again.
With trembling fingers, he typed out: help me help me
I spun him around in his chair and screamed at him again, "The rules state that you can't repeat the same words over and over!" and despite myself I knocked him unconscious once more. Whoo. Even I realize that I should try to get my temper more under control.
It had all started innocently enough. After 11 days of staring at a blank screen, I realized that there was nothing in the rules of NaNoWriMo that said that you couldn't abduct somebody and force them to type words into your word processor. I knew that there was a "write-in" going on a local coffee-shop-slash-hangout earlier this afternoon, so I made a split-second decision, and after a quick shower and shave, I was off.
My plan was to seduce another writer to write in my place. Literally in my place. In my apartment. It was as brilliant a plan as it was haphazard. I have long known that I am attractive to other men. I spent a year in Europe when I was 23 and I was relentlessly hit on in every single country I passed through. Boy, that was one terrifying trip for a young Canadian homophobe. And as if that wasn't proof enough, on occasion I've even caught my own best friend of many years, a large and hairy slavic and very heterosexual fellow, trying to climb into bed with me. Whatever. Finally my musky male pheromones were going to come in handy.
I knew who it was going to be as soon as I walked into the coffee shop. He was wearing a wedding band, and so was still in the closet of course. His laptop was open on some trendy broken-glass mosaic patio table next to precariously perched double-mocha fair-trade concoction that must've cost the monthly salary of the Colombian guy who picked the beans for it...
I am looking forward to reading your novel. It is December now and you are still in hibernation.
Guess I will have to call you this weekend.
Santa Klaus
On another note, did you get my Xmas wishlist?
I'm behind in my writing because of some web projects I'm working on for a client. He demands some work done each week... anyhow. I'll have to try and use my fast typing skills and suppress my editing nature while I write.
See you on the other side. The most I got in NanoWriMo before was 26000 words. Time to go the distance. Even if it kills me, or some of my loved ones.
Peace,
Shane