01/01/2010 - 12/31/2010

Motorcycle near miss...

...yet again!

Stephan Hoppe catching some shut eye on his bike.

The other day, I'm heading out to meet a friend at a restaurant for lunch. I decided to take the bike. It was really hot outside so I ignored one of the cardinal rules of motorcycling, which is to dress properly, and instead I just wore my t-shirt and shorts. No gloves. I did feel more exposed than normal but what the hell, it was a short ride.

So I am tooling southbound on Armour Road. It's a 50/kmh road and I'm doing 60. There are no cars in front of me but there are a couple behind me. As I approach Rogers Street coming up on my right, there is an old fart at a stop sign, waiting to make a left in front of me. Of course he doesn't see me, and of course he pulls right out in front of me facing the other frigging way looking for cars. And I don't know why, but even though I saw it all unfolding in front of me, I was actually surprised once again because I can hardly believe how fucking stupid people are! I slam on my brakes, trying to keep from fishtailing, completely forgetting about downshifting, forgetting to honk, about the cars behind me, forgetting everything. I'm just saying "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" over and over, not even saying it loudly as I try to keep the bike under control and all the time acutely aware of how I'm dressed realizing that even if I'm not really moving I will be seriously hurt if I fall off the bike for any reason.

So eventually, the piece of shit decides to actually turn his head to see where his car is pointed and lo and behold! There I am! So he stops. But he's in front of me now, in the middle of the road. I'm already stopped and trying to stuff my heart back down my throat into my chest cavity. You know what he does next? He shrugs! Sort of like: "Hey, these things happen!" I'm so shaken and stunned, I just put the bike into gear and move around the front of his car and continue to the restaurant.

A few minutes later, I'm at the restaurant and I'm shaking pretty badly. NOW, I am ready to beating the living crap out of the jerk, but of course he is probably miles away by now not seeing another motorcyclist. I strike up a conversation with some guy in the parking lot. We commiserate and share a couple of horror stories because hey, this is not a unique situation here. In this old-folk town (Podunk, Ontario) stuff like this happens DAILY, it seems.

And here we are now a couple of weeks later and as I recall the moment, I'm getting shaken all over again. It's getting so that I can no longer ride, because lately as I ride along, I can no longer relax enough to enjoy the ride, and every single car I see now represents a potential collision. I don't know what to do anymore, short of being a loud and reckless jerk when on the bike, because that's what it takes it seems to get car drivers' attentions. I swear to god, one day I am going to rob a BANK, and then jump on my motorcycle and get away at the most leisurely pace, because I know I will be completely invisible to everybody!

I've given this problem some thought and as I see it I have to do something - I have two choices:

1. Sell the bike.
2. Try to stay on the highways, and get one of those things that make the headlights flicker on the motorcycle. They're very eye-catching.

I'll think I'll try choice #2 before I go for choice #1.

My Bike Ride to Omemee

A Nice Surprise

The other day started out as a beautiful summer morning with just the right amount of sun and heat, so for the second time I decided to check out the TransCanada Trail and do the 25km leisure bike ride to Omemee from my home in Peterborough. Last year, I tried the TransCanada Trail for the first time to cycle to Keene, ON; I ended up losing the trail and becoming totally lost on some pretty hilly and potholed country roads.. I also busted my bike when my saddlebags got sucked into the rear wheel, and I ended up limping into Keene to call my wife to pick me up and bring me back home. On the way home, I consulted the map again - it was then I learned that I was travelling along a proposed trail, not an actual one. Stupid proposals.

This time, the ride to Omemee was a much different experience! I still broke my bike (what's up with that?!) but at least the trail was there. One thing I noticed only after riding for a while was that the trail was very level. So sometimes I would be riding along in this deep V-cut with the landscape rising up sharply on either side of me, and shortly after I'd be riding high on a massive earth berm looking out over the landscape. I guess that this is because the TransCanada Trail is largely made up of decommissioned rail lines, and trains can't climb hills. I gotta say it was way nicer than if I would have had to ride the highway to Omemee because it's pretty hilly country around here...

And the views were just incredible. I mean, I like a nice vista no more than the next guy but several times during this ride, I just had to stop and admire. Everything was so pretty. No doubt the quiet and the remoteness and the perfect weather also helped.

Omemee Bike Trip Slideshow

So at roughly the half-way mark, I came upon this railway trestle bridge. It was right around here. And by far, this bridge had the best view of the entire ride. It felt like the drop off on either side went on forever and I must say my stomach lurched a little as I rode across. I did not spend a whole lot of time in the middle of the bridge - just because the height made me queasy.

The total ride was only around 25km. At around kilometre 16, the cassette on my rear wheel broke, but the bike still worked somewhat and I didn't feel like getting my hands all dirty, so I limped into town at around 10 clicks per hour hour with my bike sounding like a bag of wrenches banging together. And like last year's ride to Keene, I called Patti for a pickup and we went out to lunch together.

Even with the breakdown, the ride to Omemee took far less than two hours. I can safely say it was over way before I was ready for it to be. The bike's all repaired now thanks to the Peterborough Community Bike Shop and I can't wait to get out there and do it again!

You are making my mouth water.

Yo makin' mah math wawtah...

Blech.

I may NOT be on Wipeout now

Stupid Canadian diversity...

Well, according to the Wipeout Facebook page, over 44,619 applications were received which just blows my mind because I'm sure applying for Wipeout is almost as scary as actually doing Wipeout. The release form you have to sign is just unreal. That's a lot of people to compete against for only a very finite number of spots. Still I was sure at the time of my application, that I would get on the show, here's why:

• Sure, there were 44,619 applications, but only about 5,000 with accompanying YouTube videos.
• You can't have a show depicting only fit, 20-something males. You also need fit 40-something males.
• Several of my responses to the application questions were hilarious and witty.
• I have a valid passport (Nigerian) and I do not have a criminal record (in Canada)

You'd think I would have received a call back within minutes of applying. BUT I DID NOT. Yet others near me HAVE gotten their callbacks. Because of this, I've given the whole thing some thought and I think I know now why I haven't received my call yet:

• After I clicked "submit application" nothing happened. It made me wonder if my app was even received by the system.
• Because of some absurdly Canadian desire for game show diversity, I sense that the producers of Wipeout Canada feel that their contestant pool must have an East Indian from Brampton, an Asian from Vancouver, and a hip, pierced, lesbian from T.O. - preferably black, etc. etc. etc. In this regard I am at a disadvantage because as you know (because I am always bragging about it) I am only 1/264 black and not at all lesbian - yet.

I am totally WILLING to become black and lesbian in order to get on Wipeout Canada...but I will never become Dutch because as I am (also) always saying: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I'm going to be on Wipeout!

I just want to get my hands on those big balls.

Patti, Nik, Ellie, and I have been fans of Wipeout since the beginning, so when we saw the call recently to apply to be a contestant on Wipeout Canada, I knew I had to at least try to get on. So I have formally applied. I am pretty STOKED about it. I really HOPE I get accepted. And I KNOW I am going to hurt myself. A guy as klutzy as me is definitely going to get hurt. For instance, I will probably hit my head on some low hanging object if my everyday life is anything to go by. I'm just counting on the fact that nobody has ever been killed on Wipeout have they? You should see the disclaimer they make you sign. I will not hold Wipeout liable for "limb loss or maiming" What the what is that?!

Having never been on a TV show before, I thought the show would be shot in Toronto - they would build a Wipeout Canada set. But it seems the show (the whole season probably) will be filmed in Argentina in October. This is actually pretty smart because they can shoot Wipeout UK in September, Wipeout Australia in May...it must cost much less to simply fly the contestants out rather than each country having to build their own Wipeout set complete with Big Balls. So of course one of the conditions is that you have a valid passport. You must be crazy and have a valid passport.

Applying for Wipeout Canada is a pretty involved process. A long questionnaire, a head shot, a body shot, and they strongly recommend that you supply them with a video. I was really stuck as to what form my audition video should take, and it never occurred to me to search for Wipeout Canada Audition Video on YouTube which actually turned out to be pretty smart because I think my audition video turned out pretty good relative to the others - even if it is really long. At more than 8 minutes, it's the longest of all the Wipeout Canada audition videos. It's hard to tell though if it showcases me properly - I'm worried they are going to call and say: "You know, we're not really interested in having you on the show, but would your little girl be available?

Please click on my video many times in order to get the page views up!

Some of the applications questions and my answers:

Have you ever won any academic prizes or scholarships? If so, what?
No, though I did apply, I has never won any of "them thar" akademic skolarships.

Have you ever had your IQ tested to join an organization like Mensa? If so, what did you get?
I vaguely recall applying for Mensa several years ago. I got a 3.

Have you ever entered a beauty contest? If so, how did you do?
No, but I am sure I would have done extremely well. It would not have been fair to the other contestants.

What would your friends say are your best qualities?
Oh, you know. Too nice, too funny. I always pick up the cheque at the bar. Excellent wing-man - that type of thing.

How would you use your Wipeout Canada winnings?
Probably build my own Big Balls in my backyard. Or give it all to charity. Or build a Big Balls for charity.

What would your Wipeout Canada nickname be?
Max Power, MLC, Big Mclargehuge

What would your Wipeout Canada 'shout out' be when you start the course?
Get off my lawn!
Freeeeedddoooooom!
This is Sparta!
meep!
#@!$%

What qualities will the winner of Wipeout Canada possess?
He'll be roughly 6'4" tall, brown hair, blue eyes, devilishly handsome, beautiful wife, awesome kids.

Straight teeth in under 60 seconds

That must've cost a bundle...

 

A New Workout

1. Step-Ups - with a dumbbell in each hand, arms straight down, step up onto a bench starting with the left foot, then step down with the left foot. 15 reps. 15 more reps starting with the right foot. 3 sets. (2x15 pounds)

2. Clean & Press - Using a deadlift pose, pick up the barbell and immediately clean it to the chest, then press it up military style. 3 sets. 15 reps. (40 pounds)

3. Lunges - with a dumbbell in each hand, do 3 sets of 15 reps leading with the left leg, keeping ankle in front of knee and not letting knee touch the ground. 3 more sets of 15 reps leading with the right leg. (2x10 pounds)

4. Bent Over Row - pick up a bar and while bent over - way over, with back straight and using an underhanded grip, row the bar clenching shoulder blades at end of each pull. 3 sets. 15 reps. (40 pounds)

5. Chest Press on Ball - using a ball as a bench, sit on ball and slide down until ball is under upper back and neck. Dumbell in each hand. 3 sets. 15 reps. (20 pounds)

6. Shoulder Press on Ball - again on the wobbly ball, sitting straight up, do 3 sets of 15 reps of Military Press. (20 pounds)

7. High Pulls - Using cable machine with cable at eye level and two stirrups attached to the carabiner; with arms horizontal, face the cable, grab the handles, and pull towards your face. Nice posterior delt exercise. 3 sets of 12 reps. (40 pounds)

8. Tricep (Hammer) Curls - Using cable machine and rope attachment, pull down. Forearms start horizontal, end vertical. 3 x 12. (40 pounds)

9. Bicep Curls - With rope using same cable machine and rope attachment, or with barbell. 3 x 12 curls. (40 pounds)

A. Reverse Crunch - Lie on bench and grab the top. Lift up legs (bent) finishing with shins roughly vertical and bit coming off the bench.

B. Back Extension on Ball - Lie face-down with sternum on ball. Feet against the wall. Arms crossed over chest. Round back so you are draped over ball. Now extend back until chest is off the ball.

C. Bosu Leg Raise - grab handles and lift legs until thighs are horizontal.

Don't do this

It's unsafe.

  

Fun with YouTube

A couple of tricks.

1. This first one is silly and hard to explain. Just click on the link.

http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=18&cols=18&id=RyOfzSVGQno&startZoom=1

2. To start a YouTube video part way through - maybe helping you skip over an unnecessary part to get straight to the good stuff - you add #t=2m04s to the end of the URL (where m stands for minute and s stands for second)...like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTogARtedpI#t=1m48s

Don't compare your life to others'.

You have no idea what their journey is all about.

Not too long ago, my friend Chris sent me a 38-slide powerpoint presentation with each image containing a picture of a flower along with some platitude, like: Forgive everyone for everything and What other people think of you is none of your business.

Now, for me normally this would be something headed straight for the recycle bin, but I actually found some of the statements provocative - especially the eponymous, titular one because man, I do that ALL THE TIME. I envy other people success. And by that I mean biblical envy, when I don't just want success like theirs, instead I want the success of others at their expense. I want their actual success and then I want to see them lying in the ditch somewhere, dressed in tatters and clutching an empty liquor bottle in a plastic bag and I pull up in my Porsche and flick them a quarter along with some pithy, biting comment and then jump back in my car laughing and peel away at high speed with the gravel from my tires flying stingingly in their disappointed faces - you know, normal feelings like that.

So lately, I've been trying to live my life where I actually try to be happy for others' successes. I try to understand that they probably worked super-hard to get where they are and who knows? - if given the choice they may not actually choose to have when they have...maybe there is something in their life that they know about and I don't that they would gladly trade for whatever visible success they have. Like trading their monetary wealth for remission on their cancer?

But PRIOR to this realization, one person I totally envied was Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird which is quite possibly the very best novel I have ever read. As someone who has deluded myself into thinking that there is a novel in me, I totally envy Harper's Lee and her apparent ability to, without any effort at all, create a novel that not only won her the Pulitzer and garnered her accolades the world over, but has also made her a multi-millionaire - what a lucky devil! I'm totally jealous!

Or rather, I was jealous until I read this, an article about Harper Lee describing her as an unhappy, ostracized, and possibly mentally-disturbed recluse and one-hit-wonder...would I want that kind of life just for a few million dollars?

Well, maybe that's a bad example. OF COURSE I would, but if I ever find a better example, I'll insert it here...

Read more:
Don't mention the mockingbird! The reclusive novelist who wrote the classic novel that mesmerised 40 million readers
Buy To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Perennial Modern Classics)

Ok, smarty, what would YOU do?

I would make Oprah the President.

My friend Ron, who always writes interesting opinion pieces for his personal blog, has really hit one out of the park with his take on the current U.S. financial crisis and what he would do to reverse it.

After reading his article, I hilariously commented that... "with the exception of the abolition of the minimum wage, that sounds a lot like Canada!" but after thinking about it for a moment longer I remembered that we have always benefited from a large, prosperous, and friendly trading partner for our natural resources. What resources does the U.S. really have and who do they have to trade with? China?

I believe that in the long run, Canada cannot continue to be prosperous unless the U.S. is prosperous also. So, I certainly hope they take Ron's good advice.

Visit Ron's site: Personal Libertarianism

What are a Cell Phone's Long Distance Calling Rules?

No, it's not a silly question

After years of swearing off the demon devices, I finally caved and treated myself to a new iPhone. It wasn't really the need to call people that made me get one, it was the fact that everytime I left the house, I never could take my contact list with me, or my to-do list, or my calendar. And of course I was unreachable if people needed to reach me. So, now I had this cool new phone, but I had no clue as to how the charges work when I go somewhere outside of my local calling area and I need to make a phone call.

It's not a silly question! I don't think it's something I should already know. The extremely helpful cell-phone salesgirl tried to make me understand the rules of cell phone long distance calling to no avail. I asked at least 3 or 4 of my friends and none of them could answer. And I actually used to work for that crappy Bell Mobility company...anyway, I looked on the Internet and here it is in a nutshell:

For PLACING (outgoing) calls:

The only thing that counts is 'where you are'. Your own phone number has no importance whatsoever. You can only call local near where you are. So if you are in Montreal, you can call local in Montreal, if you are in Vancouver, you can call local in Vancouver. If you are in Toronto with a Vancouver phone number, you can call Toronto local, but calling Vancouver will be long distance even if your number is from there. When placing calls, look at your cell phone like if it was a public payphone from the city you are currently in. If it would be a long-distance to call where you want to call with a payphone, its will also be the case with the cell phone.

For RECEIVING (incoming) calls:

If you are outside your local calling area, you will be charged long-distance for any and all incoming calls .

I'm running with this now. I hope it's right.

Things must be really bad...

...if I'm siding with the NDP!

 

Trans World Expedition

The Year of Living Dangerously

"In the summer of 2009, Nicolas Rapp decided to take a break from his Art Director job at The Associated Press to attempt a one-year overland travel around the world in a 1996 Toyota Land Cruiser."

I have been following Nicolas Rapp's blog daily, since last year, as he makes his way around the world in his Toyota SUV. He faithfully updates his blog, day after day, week after week, generously allowing me to experience his trip vicariously through him.

This most recent entry however amazed me. It's been somewhat easy for him until now. He seems to be having a terrible time going from Ethiopia to Djibouti at the moment. I hope he makes it to better times soon!

I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

On the suggestion of my family doctor, I am taking part in the Comprehensive Vascular Disease Prevention and Management Inititiative currently being conducted in my backwoods town of Podunk, Ontario.

As per the offical propaganda:

"The...program...is set to change the way in which the disease is identified and treated in patients across the local area."

"By focusing on prevention, early detection and disease management, the program aims to reduce the number of events such as heart attacks and stroke."

"The program is currently being piloted in nine Family Health Team practices but will eventually be rolled out to other municipalities across Ontario in the next few years."

Locally, there are 1500 other men and women involved in this study - what makes it appealing to me is that not only are my "statistics" going to be used in the study, but I get all sorts of benefits by participating, like full bloodwork, stress test, ECG, and nutritional and lifestyle counselling, etc. Yesterday, I met with a nurse-practioner and was very flattered to discover that I am in great shape and am doing most things right. Today, I had a 2 hour class with a dietitian where I learned to eat right - and that's what this blog post is going to be about.

The first thing I was struck by was the general lack of knowledge in my group (of about 9 people) about diet and nutrition. I mean, it was not so long ago that I was in the exact same position but man, considering the subject is about how best to live and stay alive, I'm amazed at the lack of knowedge, is all I'm sayin'...is all...

Now, the class dietitian was sweet girl and by her own admission she was an intern, "almost a full dietitian", and she wasn't an experienced speaker, so I had to hand it to her - it takes guts to get up in front of a room full of (unqualified) strangers and speak with authority. Since she was in the process of graduating, I was hoping she'd have the cutting edge education and therefore the exact information I need to hear more about. But some of what she said was just plain wrong. So she is going to be part of the outdated nutrional orthodoxy that I was hoping was disappearing by now.

Now, before I go into the details of what was wrong, it does bring up an interesting idea. Based on the things she said that I know are wrong, how should I treat the things I'm not sure of? I can't discount everything she said, but by the same token, now that I've caught her making errors, how can I now tell what's right and what's wrong? Anyway, it's an interesting idea.

OK, so she made three big errors. Here they are:

1. Wants us to consume unsaturated fats over saturated fats.

Says to avoid fats that are solid at room temperature. You know what another word for "solid" is? Stable. I like my fats to be stable at room temperature, so that they don't go rancid. And the more unsaturated a fat is, the less solid and stable it is.

She got turned around telling us to avoid sat fats when she subsequently recommended foods high in sat fats. For example, she said to eat yogurt and milk even though they are mostly saturated fats, because they are "good saturated" fats.

Here's my take. Saturated fats in the "bad" meats (like my red-meat faves: cold cuts, sausage, and steaks) make up only 20% - 50% of the total fat content of the meat. That "Bad" meat is high in protein, iron, B vitamins, zinc, choline, and selenium - a mineral implicated in preventing cancer and improving cardiovascular health. Ounce for ounce beef has twice the thiamine and riboflavin, three times the iron, five times the zinc, and seven times the B12 of chicken. Beef also contains conjugated linoleic acid, (CLA), which has inhibited cancer growth in laboratory animals. Half of the fat in beef is monosaturated fat, (like olive oil), which has been hailed as having many health benefits. Less than half of the total fat in beef is saturated fat and one third of it is stearic acid, a particular saturated fat that has no effect on cholesterol.

2. Says we should worry about fat and sodium, instead of sugar.

Frankly, this blew me away. And I could see that people in the class were confused by the introduction of the sodium issue. He's my take on sodium. The body has an amazing abilitiy to regulate sodium in the body and shed excess sodium where necessary. If you are not showing signs of "sodium sensitivity" in the form of high blood pressure and hypertension, then what's the point of reducing sodium intake?! Is it to get under some arbitrary number that attempts to cover everybody? Using that logic, then you should cut your peanut intake even though you don't get anaphylaxis, and you should stop drinking milk even though you are not lactose intolerant. I'll say it again, if you don't have high-blood pressure and/or hypertension - then ignore your salt consumption. If you ever get high-blood pressure, then revisit my strategy.

And here's my take on sugar. If you didn't not get one milligram of sugar for the rest of your life, you would be just fine. In fact, you would be doing terrific. But if you didn't get another gram of fat, you would DIE. And it wouldn't be nice and quick either. You'd probably go insane first. Sugar is the devil. If you're even half ways normal and you did nothing but cut your sugar intake as far as you could take it, everything else for you would probably automatically click right into place.

She didn' t even mention watching sugar intake.

3. Any exercise is good exercise.

It's just not true. You have a resting heart rate and you have a maximum heart rate where if you go any harder your heart will explode right out of your chest. (Don't laugh, it really happened to a friend of a friend of mine.) And somewhere in between, you have a target heart rate. And believe me, there is a big difference between your resting heart rate and your target heart rate. Jesus Christ, why do you think that Olympic athletes train the way they do? Do you think they wouldn't rather go mall-walking if they could get a similar effect? Sure, if you're completely out of shape, then you start by taking the stairs to the bathroom in your office tower, but then you progress until you are doing real exercise. Not this stupid walk around the block after dinner.

Now, for me as much as for you, I will restate:

Exercise strenously for a minimum of 2.5 hours per week, preferably spread out. (Not the whole 2.5 hours at one time)

Eliminate all processed crap from your diet. And don't try the argument that everything is processed. "Milk is pasteurized and therefore processed..." If you can't tell the difference between a glass of milk and a Mountain Dew then you are just plain stupid.

For what's left, try to scale way back on added or concentrated sugars. Added sugars are anything you would put sugar, honey, or molasses on. Concentrated sugars are dried fruits, raisins, etc. Eat all the sugar you want outside of that - like fruit. Now I'll never be able to completley eliminate the added or concentrated sugars from my diet, I do have a sweet tooth after all. But I am at least aware.

From what's left of that, have as much as you want of everything else up to the caloric limit for your gender and weight. For me that's 3000 calories per day. Because I work out, I try to get at least 150g of protein per day, and I let the fat and carb levels work themselves out. Usually the process of getting that much protein brings with it all the fat I need, (any kind of fat - I don't care) and the rest becomes complex carbs in the form of vegetables.

Not so complicated, eh?

Dear Sennheiser

I never thought I would be writing this letter...

On August 10, 2009, After purchasing and returning many other brands' styles of headphones, I bought some Sennheiser Sport Headphones (LX 70) online from from Futureshop. I've enjoyed these headphones not only for the sound quality, but also because they are the only design that actually stay in my ears while I work out at the gym.

Unfortunately, your product has not proven durable because of fraying at the point where the headphone cord meets the headphone itself. I am disappointed because even though I use these headphones often, I take great care with them and I feel that they should not have failed so soon. We both know that there is stress exactly at this point due to the weight of the cord as it comes from the left ear. I think that this is a design flaw.

To resolve the problem, I would appreciate it if you would replace my headphones, preferably with a set with this part reinforced (perhaps the PMX-70 instead?). Enclosed are URLs to a hi-res image of the defect as well as my original invoice from Futureshop for the headphones.

Traditionally, Sennheiser has been "the brand to have" when it comes to headphones. I also own a pair of HD420 headphones and they still work flawlessly despite many years of use. I hope that Senneheiser still stands behind their products. I look forward to your reply and a resolution to my problem.

Thank you

Stephan Hoppe
384 Gifford Drive
Peterborough, ON, K9L 1A8
705-749-2671

Dearest Patti...

just a gentle reminder for you...

 

I haven't even seen the movie yet

but apparently I'm in it.

It's my first birthday

...marking one year of my lifestyle change

It's hard for me to believe now that just about two years ago, I was an overweight, pack-a-day chain-smoker. I had sleep apnea, a CPAP machine, and I took a variety of prescription drugs for my health-related ailments, like heartburn. Oh, I used to have killer heartburn. My wife actually endured a year of the head of our bed being elevated, because my heartburn would have me waking up at night gasping and choking. Often we'd just slide right off the bed in the middle of the night, due to the fact that I need plastic sheets and all, but that's another story...

And speaking of the middle of the night, my snoring used to be legendary. I have to laugh as I recall the night of my stag - 11 years ago. After a long night of terrifically heavy drinking, my buddies had previously had the presence of mind to rent a hotel room for us to crash in. And at around 3 or 4 in the morning we all did just that - crashed in the room. The next morning my soon-to-be best man and I woke up at roughly the same moment as I, both of us with crushing hangovers. He said to me, "Man, did you ever snore last night! If I was marrying you and had to listen to that, I think I would slit your throat!" And my snoring only got worse after that :-)

I also had high cholesterol. My number was eleven, which is just insane. My doctor put me on Lipitor and Crestor and told me that I would be on it for the rest of my life. That meant I would be enjoying drug side-effects for the rest of my life as well.

And though everything described above is no longer an issue for me now, remembering serves as a nice motivation for me to keep it up.

Ellie, the promising new author

...she's a regular Wilbur Shakespeare...

Accident Report

"Mail Monster"

Me and my cousin Stephanie were having fun watching movies all morning until my Aunt Karen demanded us to go outside for some fresh air. She gave us some ideas, like going for a walk, or playing with the neighbors. Of course we had to agree, we did need exercise. I walked upstairs and grabbed my coat and boots. Then, we went outside and ran to the edge of the road. Then, looking both ways before crossing. Just then, Stephanie noticed that the flag on the mailbox was up.

I marched over impatiently and looked inside. I took out the mail and gave it to my cousin and walked back over and put down the flag. We were gonna walk around the block a few times, and finally we were able to continue our walk. We walked around and talked a lot. Until we got tired and could only do one more block. To pass time, I made a few jokes and Stephanie laughed. Until I finally could see her mailbox with the flag up.

Stephanie said to me: "I wonder why it's up again."

I ignored her. I was so excited that I ran up to it with my eyes shut. More mail! I could hear my cousin in the distance saying "Open your eyes, Ellie." I didn't care, I thought. What could go wrong? Just then a hard object slammed against my face - BANG! I screamed. My nose was bleeding a little. My cousin ran up to me and said, "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine." I said. Just then I heard my Aunt and Mom coming outside and wondering what happened. Stephanie reached into her pocket and took out the mail from the mailbox, and giggled.

"What?" I asked.

"It's the same mail." she replied.

"No new mail?"

"No new mail." she replied.

I frowned. My family carried me inside and cleaned me up. "Sorry for breaking your mailbox." I said.

"It was getting old, anyway." my aunt replied.

I had to sit on the couch and watch movies for the rest of the day. When one of the movies was over I put my hands on my nose and forehead and laughed. I probably looked ridiculous. I've hated mailboxes ever since.

Stuff that just popped into my head...

...over the last three years.

I am the Survivor über-fan. And after watching Survivor for 20 seasons now, I have figured out that anyone actually deserving of the million dollar grand prize is always sitting on the jury come final tribal council. Every single time. This time with Survivor:Heroes vs. Villains, it was Rupert.

---

My daughter and I bought a pack of "Juicy Fruit Pink" the other day at the grocery store. I now realize that anything with the words “Juicy Fruit” on it will taste terrible. On the topic of Juicy Fruit – exactly what kind of fruit is Juicy Fruit supposed to be? The nearest we can figure is banana. So, Juicy Fruit is banana-flavoured gum then – sounds so appetizing.

---

I realize that turning 40 a few years ago affected me negatively and profoundly. But I thought the negative effect was simply because I’m getting older. I realize now that being older has nothing to do with it. The reason I hate being over 40 is because I am becoming irrelevant. Like the aging grandparent neglected in the corner at the family reunion, with each passing day I lose any ability to become an agent of change within the sphere of my own personal community and (diminishing) influence. The downhill slide that is my 40s is actually a speedy descent into pointlessness.

---

Recently a colleague of mine received a speeding ticket while driving 50kmh in a 40kmh zone. Normally that wouldn't deserve a ticket however the cop told my colleague that it was a "zero-tolerance" zone. What a load of crap. Here's my theory. Here in Peterborough, cops are paid by the city. The city always needs more money but there are limited avenues from which to get the money. I mean - taxation only works for so much. One lucrative angle is to put cops out on the street, and have them hand out tickets under the guise of "speeding kills" and "protecting the pedestrian pubic" (pun intended,) etc. and similar b.s.
So after people get a ticket or two, they actually start driving the adhoc speed limit (90kmh in an 80kmh zone) because after all, nobody actually wants a ticket. Now, the problem is that the cops/city still need/want the money. Their money hunger hasn't gone away, only the pool of available speeding drivers has. So some bureaucrat comes up with the stupid idea that a car doing 10 kmh over the speed limit is more dangerous to the public than one doing the speed limit exactly. See where I am going? No. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe if I run over a kid doing only 40kmh instead of 50kmh, the kid won't get hurt...

---

Last summer, after a hornet flew into the van while I was driving down the road. My wife's attempts to swat it by guiding the hornet's stinger into my back resulted in my getting stung on the back multiple times (and me weaving the minivan down a small town main street like a drunken Mario Andretti.) After the fracas was over and the dead hornet was removed from the van, I explained to my kids that it really hurt. My daughter said, "I know it must have hurt Dad; you said the "F" word like 500 times."

---

An old joke. If you can get past the stereotypes, it's pretty funny. An Irishman, a Mexican and a Canadian were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Canadian opened his lunch and said, "Peameal again! If I get a Peameal sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The Canadian opened his lunch, saw the peameal and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Canadian's wife. The Canadian's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

---

Could someone please tell me exactly where in the Highway Traffic Act it says that if you are in the right lane of the highway and someone is on the on-ramp trying to merge into your lane, that you then MUST swing your dumb ass out into the middle (or left) lane where I am overtaking you?

It's not required! If you think it's the law or something, here's the world's shortest driving lesson for you:

1. If you are in the right lane, leave space between you and the car in front of you.
2. If you are the one on the on-ramp, then come up to highway speed quickly and aim for the space.
3. Stay the !@#$ out of my lane.

---

I predicted the popularity of blogs at least a couple of years before the tidal wave of popularity offically rolled in. I remember trying to figure out how I could make money from it - still a mystery to me. In my prime, I also made at least a couple of other IT-related predictions that have since come true. (The keyboard? That's my idea.) Perhaps more telling, I've never made an IT prediction that hasn't come true - so mark my words...the currently popular social networking sites - like facebook and myspace, will over time go the way of the dodo, kazaa lite, and human-verified search engines; somewhat cute yet stupid wastes of time for people who consider being able to open a facebook account their crowning technical achievement.

---

I figured Second Life would be fun even if I don't participate in the virtual adultery. I signed up with the name I always wished I had - Jock Zehetbauer (of course) and chose my avatar - a smooth and swarthy latin lounge-lizard type guy. But within days of activating my account, downloading the Second Life client and logging on, my alter-ego (Jock) began spending all of my days and nights sitting in front of my virtual PC playing an addictive online game called Third Life. He never left the virtual house. And then after his Third Life avatar started wasting his days and nights playing 4th Life instead of going out to party I decided that enough was enough. It was getting too hard to keep track of everything and besides, the irony wasn't exactly lost on me.

So I think I'll continue to spend the majority of my time in First Life ™ thank you very much.

And recognizing that the kissing world at large could benefit from someone with my wisdom and expertise, I'm going to contribute my own personal tips and tricks using as my handle the same nickname I had back in high school (drool-bucket). You see, I'm a giver.

---

"Shun thy neighbour." I've got a weird theory for you. You're a big-city-slicker in a new town for the first time. Let's say you've just bought a house there. It's not hard to imagine that it might take some time for you to get to know everyone in town and become accepted by the townsfolk as one of them. But now let's say that you've sold your house a couple of months prior to moving to a new town. Is it possible that you might be shunned by the people of your current community, sort of in advance of the big moving day?

A while ago, I moved from Sutton West, Ontario to my current home in Peterborough, Ontario. For those of you who are not familiar with Canadian geography, that's the equivalent of moving from backwoods Alabama to some other part of backwoods Alabama - and shunning is the type of stuff you've got to be worried about in small town Ontario Canada.

Inspirational Fortune Cookie

Way to look on the bright side.

This was Patti's fortune after our recent Chinese buffet lunch without the kids. Mine wasn't nearly as inspirational: "When both feet are planted firmly, nothing can shake you." I thought, "Yeah, whatever. Feet aren't even plants!" But man, I still love a good Chinese buffet, and since Peterborough is well ... Peterborough, we just happen to be the Chinese buffet capital of Canada.

Now, here are some other inspiration fortune cookie fortunes that I may or may not have received...

• You will gain admiration from your pears.
• You will receive a fortune cookie.
• You love Chinese food.
• Don’t forget you are always on our minds.
• Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.
• That wasn't chicken.

Oprah says turmeric is a superfood

but really, how much turmeric can you eat?

I work out at the gym alot. And I spend a fair amount of time between sets, standing still, trying not to stare at myself in the mirror, and more or less looking like an idiot. One thing I do to pass the time is to read the magazines lying around everywhere, but they are all... "lady-magazines," which actually isn't that bad. My favourites are More magazine (Celebrating Women Over 40) and Oprah! magazine. In fact, I like More magazine so much that I took out a subscription for Patti, and if I happen to read it from cover to cover after it arrives in the mailbox - well, that's neither here nor there...

Unsurprisingly, the VAST majority of articles in either of these magazines are by women and for women. But interestingly, the writers, editors, contributors, etc. all seem to be divorced as well! Not single mind-you, but "capital - B - divorced", and by that I mean they are divorced and they are bitter as hell about it. Also interestingly, when describing the fact that they are divorced, and they all do - it must be cathartic or something, the writers invariably objectify their marriage as a sentient thing separated from them, rather than treating it for what it is (sorry: WAS,) more of a condition...really...you know? I'll give you an example. The lady-writers will always make references to their "failed marriage" or they say "Back in 2000, when my marriage failed..." like it's the marriage that failed, instead of them (and remotely possible too I guess - the husband.)

It's true. It's right there in the magazines. Every single one. Pick one up yourself if you don't believe me. And it's obvious to me that some, if not all of these women, are in a pretty bad place. And I think they need my perspective on the issue. I think it's time for some Steph-kindness®...so here it is...

"Ladies, your marriage didn't fail, YOU failed your marriage. I guarantee you that you are at least 50% to blame for you destroying your marriage. Probably way more. And half of that 50% becomes obvious to me just by looking at the photo of you that accompanies your article. This is your vanity shot? This is the best that you and Photoshop can do together?! As for the other half - to use your own turn of phrase, when you still had a marriage, did you ever do anything to ensure that the poor thing succeeded? Or did you watch your marriage choke itself to death on the kitchen floor right next to the two footprint-shaped depressions in front of your fridge, just so it could be free of you?"

I say this mostly because of the most recent article I read in Oprah! (I didn't read it inside of Oprah - I just read it in her magazine...) Paige Williams is a good writer who, at 5'5" and 200+ pounds, hopes Bikram Yoga will turn her life around. This is how she describes her depression: The depression that had held me down for so long now dropped me into a well. My whole body ached. My hair fell out in the shower. For three months, I had a headache every day, often so painful that I'd lie with a cold cloth on my forehead, just trying not to throw up. Most nights, I went to bed with a heated terry-cloth beanbag around my neck like a boa, like I was 80. If I managed to sleep, I'd reflexively grind my teeth worse than ever. (It was an old problem: Years ago, when I was married, my then-husband woke me one night and said: "Are you eating candy ?") The husband probably got in big trouble for that candy crack.

And here's how she currently deals/dealt with her depression: Pie. Also Big Macs. Publicly, I ate properly if at all, but nighttime triggered a junk food free-for-all. Because I ate poorly and didn't exercise, I slept badly. Because I slept badly, I woke up harried and late, so I never had time for breakfast. By noon, as I caffeinated instead of hydrated and often skipped lunch, I was already thinking about what I'd eat that night. I wasn't a snacker; I was a volume eater. Food was all I looked forward to.

And of course, the inevitable reference: After my marriage failed a few years later...

What's my point? It's this: Ladies, take responsibility for your marriage. I'm a big, bad, stinky man and I take responsiblity for mine. Can't you do at least as well as me?

My Current Weekly Workout

Steph's Custom Split Modified Push/Pull Full Body Workout

This workout took me roughly four months to figure out. I've been fumbling around with weights at the gym for more that 8 months without really knowing what I was doing. Sure, I made gains but not efficiently and that has always driven me nuts. I mean, the gym is OK, but I don't want to spend all day there if I can get away with just 60 or 90 minutes. So I studied up (love that Internet) and finally as of 4 weeks ago, I think I've got this thing figured out. I can't see any problem with it. As far as I'm concerned it's the perfect full-body workout for the unemployed 40 plus male, who loves cardio and belongs to a gym...

Mondays and Thursdays (push)

Pectorals and Triceps - The rotary machine I use is slightly different than what's pictured in the link. Whatever. Using a machine pretty much isolates the exercise to the pecs and triceps, which is exactly what I want because I don't want to be working out any of the muscles that I'll be working the following day. (biceps, back, etc...) Rotary Chest Press - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 115 lbs.

Anterior Deltoid - I have a history of shoulder problems, so any military style presses are out for me. I have worked hard to come up with decent front, side, and rear delt exercises that don't aggravate my troublesome shoulders. This one has worked wonders for me. I can play squash again! Dumbbell Front Raise - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 15 lbs per dumbbell.

Triceps - I do an isolation exercise here. I'm not sure if I'm overdoing the triceps or not. Considering I am only doing one set, that's got to be unlikely. In three months, I'll decide. Tricep Extensions - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 70 lbs.

Lateral Deltoid - I've recently added this isolation exercise so that there is more time elapsed between the chest press and the pushups. It's also obviously great for working the side delts :-) Lever Lateral Raise - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 80 lbs.

Rectus Abdominis - The crunches I like to do are only similar to the ones pictured in the link. With mine, I lie on my back and stick my legs up in the air crossed at the ankles and knees only slightly bent, so I am like the letter "L". Then I lightly touch my ears with my hands and I perform a crunch, hunching my back. When I straighten my back to get ready for the next one, I dip my legs towards the floor. So it's sort of like a crunch plus a leg raise. Crunches - 1 set, 50 reps. (at 60 reps I'll start adding plates behind my head so I'm not doing crunches all day long.)

Pectorals and Triceps - my all time favourite exercise. Such exquisite agony. The pecs are a big muscle so I start and finish my workout with them. Pushups - 2 sets, 30/20 reps

This weight training only takes somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. So I'll finish the workout with 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Wednesdays (cardio)

On this day I am supposed to be resting everything I worked on Monday and Tuesday, so that pretty much confines me to leg-based cardio which luckily is almost all of the cardio machines in the gym. Typically I'll do 30 minutes of elliptical, 15 minutes of stairclimber, and 15 minutes of treadmill. Or if I can get a decent bike ride in on Wednesdays, I'll skip the gym altogether. Interestingly (to me,) though I love riding my bicycle, I can't stand riding stationary bikes in the gym.

My goal in cardio is to get between my target heart rate (144) and my maximum heart rate (177) and stay there for 30 minutes. I don't worry about all that "cardio zone", "fat burn zone" stuff. Those of you who have seen me at the gym can vouch for me as to whether or not I'm getting there, because I know I look pretty scary when I do cardio. I'm always red as hell in the face and sweating buckets. Then I forget where I am and start belting out the lyrics to NIN's Closer as I listen to it on my iPod...I guess that's my trademark. I'm sure it drives the ladies crazy with desire...

Tuesdays and Fridays (pull)

Lats and Biceps - Again, I'm using a Paramount PL model rotary machine but the motion is laregly the same as in the picture. This is a lot of weight for me so form is really important. It's a good exercise. I can usually feel it the next day. Rotary Upper Back - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 130 lbs.

Posterior Deltoid - This is one of two unusual exercises I got from a physiotherapist to aid in my shoulder rehabilitation. There are other exercises for the rear delt but I do this one because it's what the physio told me to do. Besides, it's pretty easy. My way involves grabbing a cable and sticking my arm straight out in front of me. I then pull my arm straight out to my side (like I am signalling a left turn on my bike) and then return that arm so that it's straight out in front of me again. It's the same as a Dumbbell Rear Lateral Raise, but I am using a cable machine instead of a dumbbell, I am standing up straight, and I am alternating arms... Cable Rear Delt Pull - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ plate #4 (which I think is about 8.5 pounds? It's got to be more!)

Infraspinatus - Teres Minor - Another weird one from the physiotherapist, but it feels like it's doing some good. The way I do it, I'm standing. My elbow is tight against my side and my forearm is sticking straight out in front of me, holding a horizontal cable. I swing my forearm out (not as far as the person in the link photo) and back again, always keeping that elbow tight to my side. After I do this, I feel it under my arm at the back of my rib cage? It's another easy exercise I don't mind doing. - Lateral Shoulder Rotation - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ plate #4.

Trapezius - Man, shrugs are pure agony. What I do is 10 reps and hold each shrug for 10 seconds, with a five second rest in between each shrug. That in itself makes this exercise one of my most difficult, but an even bigger issue is that my "grip" is so tired by the time I'm half way through the shrug, my hands are in agony for the last half of the exercise. Every time. So much so that I've asked some trainers what to do and, since we don't have a shrug machine at my gym, I'm going to have to buy some straps and use them instead. These inexpensive straps wrap around your wrist and the bar and offload the stress of holding the dumbbell to your forearm. I'm looking forward to getting a set...Shrugs -1 set, 8-12 reps @ 50 lbs. per dumbbell.

Lats and Biceps - For this exercise I am using the oldest machine in the gym. It's this ancient plate machine. I'm not particular on what kind of bar I use either. I prefer a just more than shoulder width grip and pull down to my sternum - It's heavy weight so I watch my form closely... Cable Pulldown - 1 set, 8-12 reps @ 110 lbs.

Biceps - Ah, the classic newbie exercise. I say this because so many people want big biceps and figure the concentration curl is the best way to get there. My motives are a little different. I know I've already worked the crap out of my biceps by the time I get to this point in my workout; I just want to make sure those biceps are good and wrecked before I leave. I could drop this exercise and it would probably be to my benefit in terms of overtraining and recovery...Concentration Curls - 1 set, (barely) 8 reps @ 25 lbs. per dumbbell.

This weight training only takes somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. So I'll finish the workout with 30 minutes on the rowing machine.

Notes

• I'm a big proponent of Low-Volume, Progressive-Intensity Training. I do just one set of each exercise. Well, actually I do two: a warmup set at 1/2 the weight of my real set, then I do the real set. I do 10 reps on the warmup to warm up of course, but also to check my form.
• I'm old, so I need to rest more. I used to do a three-day-a-week full-body training. I trained my entire upper body on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The problem I encountered was that with just one day off between the workouts, I was never fully recovered. Ideally, an old fart like me should have two or even three days rest between workouts. So, I've achieved this by working certain muscles on Mondays and Thursdays and their "opposites" on Tuesdays and Fridays.
• Each rep is very slow. Take my curl. I typically do 3 seconds on the concentric (the curl), then I pause for 1 second, then 4 seconds on the eccentric (the let-down), then another 1 second pause. During the pause I take care to ensure that I am not in a resting position (like if my arm was fully extended.) In this way, the muscles are under constant load throughout the set. I also take care to ensure good form and eliminate "bounce" from my motion. It's called the "perfect rep" and I'm constantly surprised at how difficult it is to do. You'd think a bicep curl would be just about the easiest thing in the world to do, but on any given day I'll do only 7 or 8 decent curls out of 10...
• I don't workout my legs. Honestly, this is probably a mistake. But I do ride my bicycle a lot and most of the cardio machines at my gym work the legs exclusively. So my legs look pretty good although I'm sure my hip abductors and rotators could use some attention...maybe in 3 months I'll integrate a little leg work in twice per week.
• I keep a log. Man, that's so important if you are at all interested in making efficient use of your time at the gym. Plus, the act of recording in your log gives you something to do between the warmup set and the actual set. If you don't keep a log and you use too much weight, your form may suffer and you'll get injured. If you use little weight, your body does not have to adapt to an overload and you don't make gains. Plus, I'm a big believer that it's not the aches or fatigue that's the measure of a good workout, it's what you can see in your log. I use this shorthand log which make recording a snap. Some days, I don't have to write anything - but I've still kept the log!
• Lastly, I know. Those weights are embarassingly low especially since it's only one set of each exercise. I don't know what to say except the slow motion really takes it's toll by the 7th rep. It could also be because I've been exercising for only about 10 months now. I had never really set foot in a gym until last May, so I didn't really have a lot of muscle to begin with, and gaining mass after forty is pretty hard to do. I console myself with the fact that I rate excellent for my age on the pushups calculator, so I can't be that weak...

Lollipop Frankenstein

But don't let the lollipop fool you - he's still a killer.

Nik, my 6-year-old son, loves to draw. And lately, he's taken to creating full-fledged books, staple-bound and complete with covers, illustrations, and back pages that invite you to "...stay tuned for the next book in the series: The Never Ending Hill..."

Some of Nik's drawings are pretty disturbing. Lots of heads getting cut off; lots of heads impaled on sticks. Come to think of it, the only colours Nik ever really uses in his books are regular pencil-lead gray (for his prose and his drawings) and red - for the blood. I'm not really worried - so far none of the pictures are of me. But one illustration that has figured prominently in a couple of books now and doesn't quite match with the rest is "Lollipop Frankenstein." I asked Nik the other day what the story is behind Lollipop Frankenstein. He said, "Oh, our teacher won't let us draw violence, so I put the lollipops in Frankenstein's hand so that he's not violent."

In the book, despite the presence of the lollipop on page 2, Lollipop Frankenstein still rips off another monster's head on page 3, but I have to laugh at Nik's simple yet elegant solution to the violence issue.

Sugar: The Bitter Truth

Sugar may be bad, but High Fructose Corn Syrup is the devil!

Robert H. Lustig, MD, UCSF Professor of Pediatrics in the Division of Endocrinology, explores the damage caused by sugary foods. He argues that fructose and lack of fiber appear to be cornerstones of the obesity epidemic through their effects on insulin.

It's a fascinating 90 minutes, but here is a link to the very best part at the 1 hour, 9 minutes, 46 seconds mark. Still, feel free to rewind and play from the beginning.

I love his comparison of sugar to alcohol (it's the same thing,) but one of his examples that really resonated with me is how he illustrates the importance of a fiber accompaniment when ingesting sugar: he uses the example of a teaspoon of sugar against an apple. Both contain the same amount of sugar but you can consume a whole hell of a lot more teaspoons of sugar, and much, much faster too, than you can apples. That's really simple and it makes sense to me.

And then there is a whole bunch of bad chemical stuff that happens in your body when you ingest sugar without the fiber along with it...but watch the video - he is a little more eloquent than me.

Apparently, I'm tight

...but she's not tight at all.

After spending years sealed and unopened, this weekend I went through and began purging the contents of the "ex-girlfriend" box, which contains all of the miscellaneous pictures, cards, and correspondence from all the women in my past life who I now realize must totally hate me for all the drama I put them through... All I can say is - whatever. At least you got away! At least you didn't marry me! (Well, most of you didn't)

It has turned out to be a surprisingly tough job, because it's really brought back a lot of memories, and unfortunately I am not finished yet by a long shot, but every once in a while I come across a little gem like this, an exchange that occurred between somebody I can't remember and me (I can't really think much...) in 1982 in Grade 11, would have made me chronologically 16-years-old and mentally around 12...

 

 

How to uninstall/reinstall Wordpad

A neat trick to reveal hidden Windows components

1. Start
2. Run
3. %SystemRoot%\Inf\sysoc.inf, and press OK
4. In the Notepad that opens up, remove HIDE from:
   MSWordPad=ocgen.dll,OcEntry,wordpad.inf,HIDE,7
   so that it looks like this:
   MSWordPad=ocgen.dll,OcEntry,wordpad.inf,,7
5. Save
6. Close Notepad
7. Start
8. Control Panel
9. Add Remove Programs
10. Add Remove Windows Components (on the left side)
11. Highlight Accessories and Utilities, click Details
12. Highlight Accessories, click Details
13. Scroll down to Wordpad and uncheck it
14. Click OK

When done, do steps 10-14 again, but this time check it so that it installs. Have your windows disk handy.

From the Archives

Funny, I feel the same way about work.

Found this old video of Ellie before her first day of pre-school. I can't make out the first bit. Anyone?

He's Not Wimpy

...but my son will love this movie all the same.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie trailer 

Lose weight by NOT dieting

Calorie-restricted diets are not the way to go.

It used to be thought that ulcers were caused by excess acid in the stomach. This excess acid would essentially burn holes in the stomach lining. In the past, ulcers were a chronic affliction and symptoms were treated with expensive prescription bismuth solutions like Maalox and Pepcid AC. The companies that made those very profitable products were understandably not impressed when an Australian scientist discovered that, in the vast majority of cases, ulcers are actually caused by a simple bacteria (h. pylori) and can be completely cured with a round of anti-biotics. If I remember correctly, the entire medical community, no doubt aided by the pharmas, jumped all over this poor guy who made the discovery. The guy must have endured some pretty intense vilification until public preception shifted...Now Maalox can be bought over the counter - like Tums. And ulcers have pretty much become a non-issue for most people.

Now consider cholesterol and the low-fat movement. Public perception is gradually shifting away from the idea that fat is bad, fat causes obesity, that saturated fats are somehow worse than polyunsaturated fats, and that dietary cholesterol really has any effect on blood cholesterol, or even that elevated blood cholesterol is reliable indicator of coronary heart disease. It's seem to me to be a pretty slow shift, but maybe that's only because I happen to be living through it. On a personal level, I have been able to unequivocally prove to myself that the reverse is true. In 2009, 60 pounds overweight and with a cholesterol level of nine, I spent 6 month eschewing polyunsaturated fats, eating very little monounsaturated fats, yet I drastically increased my intake of saturated fats. Among other things, I ate tons of red meat (I'm not a big chicken fan) and eggs, I enjoyed cold cuts often, and I would save my bacon fat and use it to fry up my veggies; all habits I still maintain. Lo and behold, I lost those 60 pounds and my cholesterol number dropped to 5.6, not that the number particularly means anything to me anyway. So, I can say I lost 60 pounds and got in shape with the Hoppe Hi-Fat Diet. (Send $$$ for details.)

With great humility I lay the previous two examples before you to simply to illustrate that just because wisdom may be conventional (conventional wisdom) doesn't mean that it's correct. People used to think that the earth was flat before they realized it was oblong... Now consider this - the point of this whole post. It is a popular misconception that weight-gain and obesity are caused by the simple formula of calories-in vs. calories out. Many people subcribe to the mistaken notion that if you are fat, you need only reduce your calories-in until you are thin. They say that the only reason fat people are fat is because they eat too much. Until recently, I believed this myself, but I've done the required and several minutes of Internet research it and have now come to a different conclusion. I'm going to tell you instead, that

it is possible to take in only starvation calories and stay fat.

That's right, I am saying that for some (and who knows? maybe most?) people, no amount of calorie restriction or dieting is going to change their weight. They will die of malnutrition before they lose weight. It's just not as simple as calories-in, calories-out. Check this guy Gary Taubes out, and if you have the time, especially check out the talk he gave at Dartmouth in 2009. He says everything far more eloquently than I ever could...

So, if that's the case, then what is the secret to losing weight? I'm not entirely sure; I know that the solution doesn't lie with just one simple change, but again drawing on personal experience, I suspect the answer lies with a combination of moderate calorie restriction, quality nutrition, active lifestyle, and good mental health. That's hardly revolutionary and it sounds easy enough, but in today's society what with the intense pressures and the sedentary habits and the ingenious marketing and advertising bombarding us daily, it's a lot tougher than it seems.

And if anybody has a copy of Good Calories, Bad Calories, could I borrow it?

McDonald’s Canada- Free Coffee All Day - March 1-14

No Purchase Required

It's as simple as that. Between March 1 and March 14, 2010 place your coffee order at any McDonald's in Canada and get it free. I was already getting a medium black each morning on my way to work; so this is a nice free bonus for me already. I've read that some McDonalds are just offering the small-sized coffees free and making customers who order larger pay the difference, but my McDonalds in Lakefield isn't hassling me like that and even if they were, it's just pennies.

McDonalds coffee today isn't the scalding hot crap of bygone times either. These days, I'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between their coffee and Tim Horton's coffee in a blind taste test. McDonald's cups are better too, and a Mcdonald's medium is as big as a Timmie's large.

I think that if Canadians speak out by switching to McDonalds for the next two weeks it will force Tim's to either improve their offering, increase their portion sizes (apple fritters are now the size of my thumbnail,) or drop their prices. This kind of competition has to be a good thing, right?

And if that's not motivation to switch your coffee provider for two weeks consider these other reasons:

• Tim Horton's puts cocaine in their coffee to get you addicted. While this is a good cheap source of cocaine, it's kind of morally wrong...
• Tim's lids suck! I can't get that stupid little tab to stay back. It always flicks up as I'm bringing the coffee to my mouth and deposits a little bead of coffee on my nose.
• Tim Horton's is no longer even a Canadian company! They are owned by Wendy's out of Columbus, Ohio. By comparison, McDonalds Canada is duh, Canadian, jointly owned by Shania Twain and Celine Dion.
• Roll up the Rim is totally rigged. I've rolled up like 10,000 rims and have never even won a donut. What's up with that?! Every time I roll up the rim it says: "Please play again" I roll it a little further to reveal "...sucker!"
• I've got nothing against Tim Horton's, but I've heard that in addition to selling coffee they also operate puppy mills across North America, they support separation, and they deny man's devastating impact on our climate. For shame, Tim's. For shame.

References:

McD's goes free to counter Tim Hortons

 Roll Up The Rim Cup A Fake 

sTEpHan hOPpE - A Tim Hortons Conundrum  

Steph Learns Guitar - Part 5 - Day 57

The flies might be getting in...

I've got to remember to shut my mouth when I'm playing or, as my Dad says, "the flies will get in."

 

No, YOU work harder...

Funny.

 

See More Savage Chickens 

I live on a hill

so I should be OK.

“ Looking at the ancient evidence, Ward notes that ice caps began to shrink. "Melting all the ice caps causes a 75-meter increase in sea level will remove every coastal city on our planet." It will also cover earth's most productive farmland, the author warns, adding, "It will happen if we do not somehow control CO2 rise in the atmosphere." ”

"Global Warming, Not Asteroids Caused Planet's Mass Extinction Events" - Leading Climate-Change Experts

 

So we are led to believe that the major catastrophes in the past were not really caused by asteroids, but by global warming. And then we are warned that we had better stop those dangerous greenhouse emissions or there will be another catastrophe.

It's an extraordinary argument for two reasons: First, it seems to dismiss the belief that the "global warming" catastrophes in the past were caused by man's activity, because there were not a whole lot of oil burning vehicles and factories belching carbons into the air in the past. So, one must assume that if man didn't cause it, then it must have been a cyclical thing. But, wait, then we are told that we have to change our ways and give up those coal burning factories and SUV's or we will bring on another disaster. What?

 

20 Shocking Minutes

This Is Important!

Jamie Oliver's TED Prize wish: Teach every child about food  is a "must-see" presentation. You don't even have to watch it online - you can download it for later, read the transcript instead, or even read along to it. If you have children you owe it to yourself to set aside some time and watch this straight through, even if only to reassure yourself that your own kids are not part of the affected majority.

I realize I am starting to get all worried/ fanatical/evangelical about the child obesity epidemic. I think it's mainly because it's getting so uncomfortably close to home. My kids aren't obese - yet. But I am far from satisfied with either their current diet or their level of physical activity. Unfortunately, the solutions are not uncomplicated. It's not as simple as putting more vegetables in front of them and then pushing them out the door. Or is it?

I guess I should take some comfort in the fact that I have at least identified the issue before it's (hopefully) too late. I've got to figure this out.

Mon Mauvais Francais

C'est peut-être mort.

On the day before Valentine's Day, I was at Zeller's shopping for a few things for Patti and the kids for Valentine's day. Among other things, I wanted to get each kid a t-shirt.

So, I found a neat one for Nik with skulls and stuff on it. And for Ellie I found the perfect shirt because it was in French, and Ellie is in the French club at school (she's really very, very good at it) and I figured she would get a kick out of the translation. I wasn't sure what it said, it was something like: 10 facons ... coeur... and then there was a list of French sentences and the last line was something to do with duct tape (ruban adhésif)

I thought, "Oh, where is my franco-friend Melanie when I need her?" but I muddled through the translation; as best I could tell, the shirt said "10 ways to fix a broken heart" with the last way being "duct tape."

I thought: Perfect! And I bought the shirt.

Next, I brought the shirt home and typed the words into Google Translate and noticed right away that I misread coeur, it was actually soeur... Uh ohh...

You know what it said? "10 Ways to shut your sister up!" And now that I think of it, I was standing in the boy's department...

At least I got the last line correct - "duct tape."

 

I Recall...

Central Park in fall, how you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess...

Looking back at my childhood in the late 60's and early 70's, this was a time in which not I, not anyone in my family, not anyone I knew, and none of my schooolmates were at all overweight. You just didn't see very many hugely obese people anywhere. The grossly bloated and obese people you see so commonly today were a total rarity at that time. The cause of so much of today's obesity is only now fairly obvious to me; you have only to take a walk through your local grocery store, pay attention to the products at the fast food restaurants (can you find anything that isn't fried/breaded/carb loaded??), and look at the typical modern diet: grains grains grains at every meal, high carbs at every meal, loads of sugar and high fructose corn syrup (in virtually everything processed), yet little protein, few vegetables (french fries don't count as a vegetable!), not enough fat, and not enough fruit. We are overloading ourselves with pure junk food from morning to night, most of it almost totally deficient in nutrients. My diet growing up was not like this.

Growing up, my mother cooked meat and fairly minimal amounts of simple carbs such as potatoes or rice, but lots of vegetables and fruits. We rarely had pop (occasional treat only), and desserts such as cakes or pies were both homemade and infrequent. We didn't have snack foods such as chips, crackers, or cookies in the house therefore we couldn't munch on junk between meals. If we whined for a snack we'd get an apple. Or cheese. There were a lot fewer breakfast cereals, just Corn Flakes, Weet-A-Bix, Rice Krispies, etc., but they were consumed in small amounts and not so full of sugar and chemicals. (though I loved Cap'n Crunch; I think that my parents let me have it twice in ten years.) Take a good look at the cereal aisle of today's grocery store: dozens and dozens of cereals, (very heavily-marketed-to-children and very profitable by the way) most of them pure junk and chock full of sugar and chemicals. And now they are not only eaten for breakfast, they are also "anytime-of-day" snack foods.

So now at age 43, I can recall how I used to eat as a kid and teen, but my kids have never had the contrast and they think the foods they eat today are as it has always been and how it should be. They are nutritionally illiterate, and it is shameful that I am doing such a terrible job as a parent to educate them.

More Info:

Jamie Oliver's TED Prize wish: Teach every child about food "The adults of the last four generations have blessed our children with the destiny of a shorter lifespan that their own parents."

All the Health Risks of Processed Foods -- In Just a Few Quick, Convenient Bites "...you'd want to make healthful foods widely available, inexpensive, and convenient, and unhealthful foods relatively less so. Instead, we've done the opposite..."

Obesity in America (thank dog Canada doesn't have a problem...) "Instead of eating a diet of pure, wholesome foods coming directly from the land, Americans eat a diet of packaged, processed, and refined foods."

The Science of Refined Food Addiction "Most of our food supply has been processed and refined to point that it has become more a drug and less a nutrient."

Whole vs. Processed Foods  "Refined foods are turning us into an overweight, sick people."

 

Guess where I'll be June 4th?

...NOT downloading this movie via torrent.

No way. I'll be standling in line at the theatre.

I bet Oprah loves meatloaf...

...and mashed potatoes, and gravy, and corn, and stuffing...

I used to have this job where I would travel and had an expense account. My meals were all in restaurants and paid for by the client. On the surface that may sound really good, but I much prefer my new role where I don't travel anywhere and all of my lunches are frozen leftovers from days or weeks past. Yesterday I had beef stroganoff leftovers from a month ago and the red wine was so strong in it I was worried my colleagues would think I was drinking at lunch.

Today was even better because it was surprise leftovers. The container had so much ice and snow in it, I couldn't even tell what it was. It could have been beef bourguignon or it could have been turkey stock. Lunchtime came around, I popped it into the microwave by the coffeemaker - went to the bathroom and returned to find ... meatloaf and mashed potatoes! Score! (Picture me on one knee repeatedly punching the air like Tom Cruise talking about Katie on Oprah.)

Johnny Depp and Technology

Eduardo Dedos de Tijera

Last year, the kids and I watched the movie: Edward Scissorhands together. There's this one part where Edward tried to make a phone call and gets a busy signal. Ellie asked: "What's that sound?" She didn't know what it was. So, it looks like busy signals have gone the way of typewriters and reheating food on the stove.

After the movie, Nik drew some pictures of Edward Scissorhands and then asked me to cut them out for him. I dutifully cut out his pictures and then had a thought. I said, "Hang on a sec." I slipped the pics under my flatbed scanner and scanned them into Photoshop. Then I quickly arranged them into a single sheet and printed them out on the laser printer. Finally I gave him the printout and then stood back feeling satisfied. He looked at the sheet and said: Why did you do THAT?

5-year olds have no appreciation for technology.

Steph Learns Guitar - Day 27

There's no longer any need to continue...

I'm fortunate to have found this. Now there's no longer any need to waste hours practicing chords and picking or developing callouses on my finger tips or getting cramps in my hands. Mastery is just 41 dollars and 98 cents away! And with the E-Z Chord Kit I'll finally want to learn to play rockabilly, something I've never wanted to learn before...

Funny?

I think so.

This Walmart ad has gone viral because it is a little different than the usual smiley face-laden messages pumped out by the chain. The site where I found all this out had lots of comments stating that it just isn't that funny, but I laughed.

And continued to laugh for a while afterwards. I'm still laughing now. And since I'm an authority on what's funny, (sorry Patti) it must be.

Today, I learned how to tie my shoes

This is incredible.

I'm actually a little embarrassed to admit it but today I finally learned how to tie my shoes. Until today I had no idea that I didn't already know how. Oh sure, I thought I knew how to tie them as far back as 1985 but as it turns out when it comes to shoelace tying (as Sergeant Schultz would say,) "I know NO-THING!" It turns out that all these years I have been tying my shoes with a granny knot when I should have been using a reefer knot. What motivated me to investigate this? My shoes always come undone on me no matter what the shoes (even shoes without laces! :-) and I always have to double-tie them. Double-tying works OK but can be a pain when it comes time to untie your shoes. Now, thanks to the Internet, I know how to tie my shoes! Yay!

Rather than lord it over all of you who still don't know how, I will share the secret. Check this out.

Isn't that amazing?! FYI, even more efficient is the Ian knot, which is billed as the quickest way to tie shoes and which seems to result in a perfect reefer knot! I've already mastered this knot and like it even better than the reefer! I think it was well worth the 5 minutes (Ok - 2 hours) it took to learn how to tie an Ian knot...

Now, both of you who are reading this are probably a little skeptical. I was too so I did a simple test at work. I have to wear steel-toe safety shoes, the ones with the with the round and infernally slippery laces; they are the perfect "test" shoe...so what I did was yesterday I simply tied the left shoe in a reefer knot and the right shoe in a granny knot. The results? Within 2 hours the granny knot came undone, and over the course of the next few hours it again came undone a total of three more times. And the reefer knot on my left shoe? It didn't come undone once. After 4 hours I discontinued the test because getting that close to my shoes...well, the smell was just too much for me, but the test results prove it. The Ian/Reefer knot rules!

The Echo of Doom

(originally wroten on October 31, 2007)

Well, my little red wagon finally gave up the ghost about 10-days ago at 270,000km. The car that never cost me a dime (more on that in a bit) reported to me via white smoke out of my tailpipe that its head gasket was shot. Well, either that or there was a new pope. After taking it in to my scumbag mechanic and agreeing to pay the $1000 for a new head gasket, I was informed a day later that the head was in fact cracked, the car was garbage and on its way to the wreckers - come and get my stuff out of it and pay the shop $200 for their troubles.

I took the whole family to strip my little car of all my possessions. It's funny actually that a car that still looks so good is ready for the garbage heap. I mean the interior is in excellent condition, there are no cracks in any of the glass, and the body has hardly any rust. I guess there is a lesson in there somewhere - something like "just because something looks good doesn't mean it's worth anything..." or something like that. For the record the crack in the head was very tiny! Just a barely visible half-centimetre crack in the head between cylinders one and two. Hard to believe that makes a whole car garbage.

For the next week I floundered a little. I ordered a copy of Lemon-Aid from Amazon, but then because I really needed it sooner, I spent an afternoon in Chapter's with their copy and a chai latte reading passages into my voice recorder. I drove my wife's van around, all the while acutely aware that her van really doesn't like the 320 kilometers I drive every day. And driving the van made my wife house-bound and somewhat persnickety let's say..as long as you garnish the word "persnickety" with about 50 swear words... I was also concerned I would end up killing both of our vehicles if I didn't hurry and find something to replace the Escort Wagon of Doom. (I call it the Escort Wagon of Doom because prior to the Escort I had 4 Tempos - I named each one "The Tempo of Doom". When I got the Escort, it seemed only natural to name it "The Escort Wagon of Doom" even though that doesn't make any sense any more...")

This time around, I wanted a car that would cost me very little, cost virtually nothing for fuel, be very luxurious, and be bullet-proof in it's reliability - like the Escort Wagon of Doom was. Near my home, I discovered a 99 Sable Wagon with 125,000km on it for $4000. At first glance I thought this might be the car and that it was a pretty good deal, except I could hardly believe that my replacement car would end up coming from someplace so close to home, and taxes meant that the price was closer to $4600, and the thing had a trailer hitch on the back which meant somebody had to be towing something with that car over the last 8 years - how long would the transmission last? So, I never even took the car for a spin. These concerns turned out to be the same ones that cropped up again and again over the next several days as I looked at used cars and tried to figure out not only which car I would be happy in, but whether I should buy it privately or from a car salesperson, etc. etc.

I spent two solid days looking for a Chevy Aveo before ducking into Chapter's for a second time and discovering its rating was only "average" And finally on Friday night I settled on a 1998 Suzuki Esteem Wagon. $4000 and 130,000km on it. Highly rated by lemon-aid and it met all of my personal criteria for a car.

On Saturday morning bright and early, I was out inspecting the Esteem from a list I printed off the Internet, with my daughter close by told to write down on her clipboard anything I called out to her. Over the next hour and a half my daughter busily jotted down:

mismatched tires

passenger door dent

rusty rotors

seized fuel release

To the car's credit, we took it out for a test drive and it handled well if a little uninspired. No real steering or suspension problems. Even Ellie said that she like the car and that we should get it...but the thing reeked of cat and I just couldn't get past the smell of it. I knew that if I bought the Esteem, I was just guaranteeing myself 4 more years of thrice yearly trips to the shop - if I was lucky enough to not have to be towed there...

So finally later that Saturday morning with nothing better to do, I called my brother-in-law at the local Toyota dealership, and told him (without much expectation and therefore without much enthusiasm) that I wanted a 5-speed Echo hatchback, with no more than 100k, with A/C, and not red or white. And he actually had one! A 2004. I knew as we walked up to it that this was the car I wanted. By the time I had gone 2 kilometers, I knew it was the car for me. Timing chain instead of timing belt. Variable-valve timing engine only requires oil changes every 8000kms instead of 5000 kms. Electrically assisted heating, and less than 6L/100KM! As I test-drove the Echo I imagined that this is a lot like what driving Thomas the tank engine would be like. I would say to the Echo: "go please" and the car would say: "Yes sir! Yes! Yes ! Yes! I can do this!" and then would give it everything it had to the cause. If I said: "stop car" The car would say: "Yes! Yes! Yes! I'll stop! I live to please you!"

Now in the Thomas stories, isn't there a grumpy old train engine that figures in some of the stories? Then that would be the Escort. To the Escort, if I said "go car" the wagon would say: "what the @$@# are you asking me to do that for? Here's 60%. And I would say, "You're a 4-cyl 2L DOHC engine! You can do better than that!" And the Escort would say. Alright fine. Here's 62%, but first let me rattle this steel cup full of cutlery under the hood for about a minute..." I'm saying the Echo tries and the Escort only grudgingly complies.

Anyway, after the test drive I decided that I definitely liked all that ECHO eagerness, but the car costs way, WAY more than I thought it should. But...I was out of time and energy, so I bought it. Because of this, I was not a happy customer initially. I went home after paying the big bucks, and for the rest of the afternoon I drank rye and cokes and miserably watched TV. Finally, my wife came downstairs and in her trademark voice that sounds like a cross between Barry White eating glass and Satan, she said to me: How long did you have the Escort for anyway? Have you ever added up how much it has cost you over the years?"

So I grabbed my file and checked it out. Let's see... $2700 for the car 3 years ago, $500 to certify and ...this can't be right...$4600 in repairs?! $8000 for just three years - I had to have the car towed three times, the A/C broke last year and I haven't been able to get the rear windows down since last Spring - much to the horror of my heat-stroked children in the back. What a piece of crap!

Now I find myself very happy with my Echo of Doom. I'm sure his cost of ownership will be less than $2700 per year, and I'll spend more time having fun driving and less time worrying about if I will make it to my destination. I'm going to get him pimped out with a moon roof and tinted windows and I'm getting Patti to make me those fuzzy dangly balls that run along the top of the windshield. I'll let you know how it goes.

Update: January 2010

Patti never made me the dangly balls, but I did get the cruise-control installed, the windows tinted, the thumping stereo and the GPS. I love running up and down through the 5-speeds on the country roads near my house, and I still feel spoiled by the quality and dependability I feel with this car. The paint is failing on the front bumper and Toyota is being scummy about it, but it's plastic underneath so I don't have to worry about rust. And that's the only issue I've had in more than two years now. And I'm still on the same half a tank of gas that the car originally came with. Well, almost.

My Workout Playlist

Quite the eclectic collection of music...

...but it gets me going. It takes me about three workouts to get through the entire list. For the longest time I just listened to the list in order until I began to be able to antipicate what the next song was going to be. Now I shuffle it. I also keep my Spanish language learning audiobooks on the player and listen to those for the last 15 minutes of each workout...

• Alex Gaudino Ft Crystal Waters - Destination Unknown
• Bananarama - Venus (Gay Dance Club Mix)
• Benny Benassi - Satisfaction

   ...read more...

 

My Ideal Name

If I could change my name to anything, what would I choose?

• Max Power
• Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
• Turd Ferguson
• Bill Brasky
• Snake Plisken
• Manheim Von Crotchblast
• Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster
• Brecht Von Doob
• Incontinentia Buttocks
• McLovin
• Big Mclargehuge
• Laser Blade Blazer
• Isaac Yudovich Ozimov
• Reginald Thunderpussy
• Colonel Angus
• Styles Bitchley
• Carlos Spicywiener
• Boobie McBoobieson
• Vagisil Peckerwood
• Friggin Awesome
• Abner Wigglestaff
• Dick Steele
• Chesty LaRue
• Dan Druff
• Ivana Hockaloogieonya

 

Steph Learns Guitar - F Major

Yeah, an "F major" pain in my...

This one chord has stopped me dead in my tracks. It's the "unplayable guitar chord." I'm formally applying to the International Guitar Institute to have F Major abolished. I can't even count how many children's fingers have been cruelly twisted and tortured by that chord. From now on, instead of a barre on fret one/strings one and two with the index finger, Fmajor shall simply be played with the index finger on fret 1/string 2 and leave string 1 open (which I think is another form of A...but so what - close enough.)

Good Thing I Like Fish

...and good thing I'm learning the guitar.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Esteban Aprende La Guitarra

Los días uno, dos y tres.

 

Day One 

Day Three 

Day Five 

New Year's Revolutions

I'm actually making progress...

There's a scene in one of the best Xmas movies of all time - A Christmas Story, where Raphie spills the hubcap holding the lug nuts for the wheel his father is changing on the family car and he utters the F-word before he can catch himself, so later his Mom is washing his mouth out with soap and asks him where he learned "that word", and to paraphrase Ralphie's thoughts, he says "now I must have heard that word out of my dad's mouth a thousand times but the only name that came to my mind was - Schwartz!" who was his school-buddy and no sooner is the name out there than his mother calls Schwartz's mom and you can hear Schwartz's mom just beating the living crap out of Schwartz over the phone. So I'm watching this with my 6-year-old son, Nik and as soon as Ralphie says "Schwartz!" Nik, goes: "Oh, way to go, man!" with such disgust I had to laugh because my boy Nik would never narc on a buddy to save his butt.

That has absolutely nothing to do with my New Year's Resolutions.

OK, to the two of you who regularly read my blog, you know that I take these resolutions very seriously. Each year, I set up unreachable goals and then suffer the guilt when I don't achieve them...until I turned forty. Turning forty not only accelerated the decomposition of my living tissue but somehow it also gave me willpower. Since I turned forty, I've quit smoking. I've lost weight. I've gotten back in shape. Now for this year, there are just two things left from previous resolutions and one new one to add. I think 2010 is going to be the last year for resolutions because once I knock down these three, I can die happy. First, the two carry-overs from previous years:

1. Learn the guitar. Here's how it's going to go. I've enlisted the help of a friend who not only can actually play the guitar, but he also loves shopping for guitars for some reason, so we are (we have gone already actually) going out to music stores in town to find ther perfect acoustic guitar for me. And I am going to devote 4 hours per week to gee-tar-lernin' as they say in the deep south and Peterborough, Ontario, Canada (help me...)

2. Learn Spanish. 20 years ago, I found myself in Piles, this little hole in the wall town in southern Spain. I fell in love and vowed that I would one day return to Piles for my retirement, doing nothing but walking the beach, drinking the night away in Tapas bars, and nailing young senoritas during daily siesta. I haven't exactly worked out the detailed logistics but I'm pretty sure my chances of success are much greater if I can actually speaking the language.

And now, the newcomer...

3. Reconnect with friends. Get ready Jay, Ron, J.B., and Mel - you guys are on my short list of people I intend to come visit in 2010. Now you're probably thinking: "he thinks I'm his friend?!" Well, that's secondary to getting out of the house and getting some fresh air. Now, I have no money, so once I pitch my tent on your lawn you'll either have to invite me in or call the cops - either way it should be interesting. And for the lucky rest of you who I will not visit in person next year, I still resolve to insinuate myself into your lives in an invasive yet friendly fashion.