All Quotes

Because it just didn't need to be done...



🌞 Clean 🌞

1. Our government is corrupt. Our military is brutal. Our justice is non existent. Our businesses are greedy. Our religious views are dangerous. Our education is propaganda.
2. I have the tastes of a noble but the means of a serf.
3. It's a woman's world and you're lucky to be living in it.
4. America sees itself as Superman, the rest of us see you as Homelander.
5. I once read that if you repeat a lie enough times it becomes the state of Israel.
6. A sausage maker buys a box of cereal. I will now tell another joke. (German Jokes)
7. Why did the engineer cross the road? Because he calculated it was the most efficient route. (German Jokes)
8. Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many dates. This concludes the joke. (German Jokes)
9. If I ever meet Samuel L. Jackson, I will 100% tell him that I loved him in The Matrix.
10. Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.
11. Hurt people hurt people.
12. The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.
13. I live in a prison of language!
14. J'ai le seum.
15. Imagine if immortality was impossible, if you could only live a maximum of 100 years, how would you then live your life?
16. If a train is moving at 50 mph, and a fly is flying at 1 mph from the back to the front of the train, is the fly moving at 1 mph or at 51 mph?
17. Well, it's 9AM somewhere...
18. A polar bear can run faster than you can run, and can swim faster than you can swim, so your only chance of beating them in the triathlon is on the bicycle.
19. Someone told me that if I didn't want kids, I should get a vasectomy. So I did, but to my dismay, the kids were still there when I got back home.
20. What is the airspeed velocity of a common swallow?
21. You are still too young to realize what an inconsiderate and thoughtless child you are.
22. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'It's not working. I've gone to my parents place', but I checked the fridge and it works just fine.
23. I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.
24. The best thing to ever come out of Peterborough, Ontario is the 115.
25. Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Peterborough, Ontario? If it had been invented anywhere else it would be called a teeth brush.
26. Saskatchewan is so flat you can stand on a tuna can and see the back of your own head.
27. Saskatchewan is so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.
28. News: Rich people paying rich people to tell middle-class people to blame poor people.
29. I was caught in the middle of a railroad track. I looked 'round and I knew there was no turning back. My mind raced and I thought, what could I do? And I knew there was no help, no help from you. Sound of the drums beating in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. You've been thunderstruck.
30. Be sure to join my discord, follow me on tiktok, support my patreon, follow me on twitch, fb, and insta, read my blog, leave a comment, smash the like button, and subscribe to get notified every time I post something new!
31. I'm old enough to remember when the Internet wasn't a group of five web sites, each consisting of screenshots of text from the other four.
32. I always think of Metamucil when I hear/see Facebook's new name, and also because they both keep me regular.
33. Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. Ernest Hemingway
34. Swallow all your morals; they're a poor man's quality.
35. She ranted madly in a barometric tantrum, like an ebonic nocturnal tempest, the stygian typhoon of eventide, like the prosopopeic fuliginous Nyx, enceinte as it were with lachrymal lamia farouche as Hecate, disbosomed upon her terrene demiorb an empyreal borasque. Jack Holiday
36. I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing.
37. Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
38. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
39. What do you call an apology sent by Morse code? Remorse code.
40. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm a Believer' ... Then I saw her face.
41. Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meatier.
42. You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.
43. Today Nik asked, 'Can I have a book mark?' and I freaked out. 18-years-old and he still doesn't know my name is sTEpHan.
44. A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
45. What is Forrest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1
46. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
47. What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboooooom!
48. Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
49. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
50. How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
51. I saw an ad in a shop windows, 'Television for sale., volume stuck on full', I thought ... I can't turn that down.
52. What is blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
53. People are making apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.
54. I'm glad I know sign language because it's pretty handy.
55. Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
56. Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
57. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
58. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
59. How do trees access the Internet? They log on.
60. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
61. I saw an ad for a burial plot and thought, that's the last thing I need.
62. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
63. I, for one ... like Roman numerals.
64. The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone know Patrick was the star.
65. Pig puns - are so boaring.
66. What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.
67. I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Niklaus.
68. Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas.
69. I was at the library and asked if they had books on 'paranoia' and the librarian replied, 'yes, they're right behind you.'
70. How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You see one later and one once in a while.
71. I finally bought the limited-edition thesaurus that i always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
72. How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.
73. Today, a girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
74. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but they're sure not laughing now.
75. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
76. You: Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.
77. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
78. Why did Sweden start painting bar-codes on the sides of their battle ships? So they could Scandinavian.
79. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.
80. My friends keep saying 'Cheer up man. It could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water.' I know they mean well.
81. The three unwritten rules of life: 1, 2, and 3.
82. I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
83. My wife was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
84. All veils and misty streets of blue. Almond looks that chill divine. Some silken moment goes on forever. And we're leaving broken hearts behind.
85. It's called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
86. At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over ... and life is like a song.
87. My personal hero, Dr. Michael Greger, has taught me that veganism can cure everything, except hair loss and myopia.
88. This is like being on a rollercoaster going through an art gallery.
89. Trolling and trolling in the endless server farm; The stalker cannot bear the poetry; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; More tedium is loosed upon the net.
90. I thought that growing old would take longer.
91. If I say I'll do it then I'll do it! There's no need to remind me every 6 months.
92. If you're in college, you're required to survive off of stuff like Ramen noodles so you can save money, by sacrificing your health while accumulating debt for a degree you won't use for a job that will be done by robots by the time you don't graduate because you realize that you're in the wrong program two years too late but it doesn't matter because climate change is going to destroy us all.
93. When I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need. Not all of this 'how did you get into my house?!' business...
94. When this pandemic is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
95. Connard: 'Connard!' Chirac: 'Enchanté. Moi c'est Jacques Chirac.'
96. Hush now! I motherocker, give u complete bliss! I got your 'Wow wow!' Look at my bottom, give that a kiss... Serebro
97. Quel est le comble de la patience? C'est de jeter une pierre dans l'eau et d'attendre qu'elle remonte.
98. I...HATE...this place...
99. For fun, get your French friends to read this aloud: 'I can plough through enough dough to make you cough.'
100. -4° looks like a sad person on a toilet.
101. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
102. Mud once flung sticks ... Mud once flung, sticks. See how important a comma can be?
103. Basic grammar: making sure that you know when to use 'versus' verses 'verses'.
104. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. Emo Philips
105. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Emo Philips
106. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips
107. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
108. I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips
109. My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. Emo Philips
110. When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. Emo Philips
111. I ran three miles the other day. Finally I said 'Lady, keep your purse.' Emo Philips
112. When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The Sun... Emo Philips
113. I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" Emo Philips
114. New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. Emo Philips
115. You know what the ladies like on a date? Courtesy. Once I got into a world of trouble on a date when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface. Emo Philips
116. When I was a child, I always used to love it when it snowed. In the morning I would race up to the front door, and bang on it and shout, "You know the deal, you have to let me in now!" Emo Philips
117. I told my mechanic that I hit the brakes and the car didn't stop. He said, "It sounds like you lost a lot of fluid," and I said, "Well, sure, wouldn't you?" Emo Philips
118. I visited the wailing wall, and felt so stupid standing there with my harpoon. Emo Philips
119. My ex wife is doing evil lessons with the devil. I wonder what she charges. Emo Philips
120. When I was in school, I used to get punished regularly by a middle-aged matronly woman - something you have to pay good money for now. Emo Philips
121. If we had the ability to fly, we would not do it often as it would be considered exercise.
122. Someday Apple will probably bring back the headphone jack and market it as a high-fidelity audio port.
123. You know you're finally an adult when you have a net loss from the holidays instead of a net gain.
124. Time heals all wounds, yet it also slowly kills you.
125. If you clean up a mess after an ant has already left to report back to his colony you're essentially making him look like a liar.
126. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
127. Single player games that don't require Internet are going to be extremely valuable during the apocalypse.
128. If Apple manufactured clothing they'd probably have all the belt loops on their jeans a different size than normal, so you'd also have to buy an Apple Belt.
129. If I see Google in a show/movie I think nothing of it, but if I see Bing then I know it's a paid promotion.
130. The only people forced to see anti-piracy warnings are the people who don't pirate movies.
131. Loneliness is believing you've received a message when it's just your battery at 15%.
132. 'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and climb into bed at 9:45.
133. If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself. Leon Eldred
134. When you wish upon a star, you're a few million light years too late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.
135. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
136. It's always darkest just before the dawn, so if you're trying to steal your neighbor's newspaper that would be the time to do it. Warren Miller
137. For the first and last time, the council election in Bolton has been done by e-mail, and was won by Click Here For Penis Enlargement.
138. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. Popular Mechanics, 1949
139. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981
140. Say something wise and your name will live on forever. Anonymous
141. The Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes!
142. I'm very laid back. I only care about two things: what every person on earth thinks of me, and the crushing psychological weight of being alive.
143. The french word for horseradish is: raifort but there is no raifort to be found in France...
144. Love you in case I die. GirlBoss
145. If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
146. Rose rose to put rose roes on her rows of roses. (Rose (a person) rose (stood) to put rose (pink-colored) roes (fish eggs as fertilizer) on her rows of roses (flowers))
147. One 18-inch pizza = π(18/2)² which equals 254in.² while two 12-inch pizzas = 2π(12/2)² which equals 226in.² - The next time you go out, choose your pizza wisely.
148. Keep your possessions to a minimum. Life is too short to be about things.
149. If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds exactly like Pac-Man.
150. The truth always lies somewhere in between.
151. What's the most used language in programming? Profanity.
152. I feel like I have overdosed on laissez faire. Caroline from Germany
153. With almost no exceptions, everyone will be completely forgotten within two generations of their death ... It will be as if they had never existed in the first place.
154. The problem with philosophy is that you'll only have finally mastered it on the last day of your life.
155. If you're invited to a spectacle in France, it's unlikely to be spectacular.
156. For some reason, all French cigarette packs say: Smoke on Tuesday.
157. The five-second rule does not apply when you have a two-second dog.
158. They only want you when you're 17; when you're 21, you're no fun. They take a polaroid and let you go, say they'll let you know, so come on.
159. Today one of my friends told me that I don't understand irony which itself was ironic, because it's Tuesday.
160. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
161. Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do.
162. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
163. I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love!
164. If I wasn't a narcissist, I'd be perfect.
165. Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered. To know your time is short. Dr. Strange
166. Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year. Looks like I'm in store for an incredible December.
167. There are two types of people in the world: those we drink with, and those we drink because of.
168. I think that every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.
169. Ever notice that nobody says 'goodbye' to end phone calls on TV?
170. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
171. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
172. That's enough, Nickelback.
173. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
174. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
175. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
176. Was learning cursive really necessary?
177. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
178. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
179. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
180. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I already know how to get out of my own neighbourhood.
181. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty. You can wear them forever.
182. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
183. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MS Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my thirty page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.
184. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Never.
185. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
186. For all intensive purposes, I don't like to be taken for granite.
187. Everytime you get dressed, remember that if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
188. I have never seen a Starbucks commercial.
189. Scooby-Doo has taught us that there are no monsters, all of the bad guys are just people.
190. Kids with unique names who were sad they couldn't find personalized souvenirs are now reaping the benefits in available usernames and email addresses.
191. If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept separately. Baby Bear was probably the only thing keeping the family together.
192. There are only two days in your lifetime that aren't 24 hours long.
193. If my toaster burns everything at setting 4, then why does setting 9 exist and what would it do??
194. Remember to always make the most of the one asset you have that you can never earn more of ... or borrow from.

💀 Dirty 💀

195. The militarisation of the police and their antagonistic attitudes towards the community is not a mistake, it's by design. Bad cops are not an anomaly, they are the institution.
196. You need a DNA altering gene therapy shot for the common cold and we're going to call it a vaccine because that's the word we coined to make you comfortable.
197. The natural lubricant produced by the vagina is chemically identical to the slime on a shark's skin that helps them glide through the water.
198. Chromosomes do not care how you identify.
199. What's the difference between an American and a yogurt? There is a little bit of culture in the yogurt.
200. I realized I had a road rage problem when my 5-year-old daughter yelled out: 'Pick a fucking lane, you dickhead!' while seated in our grocery cart in the produce aisle.
201. After picking up a hitchhiker, he asked me if I was worried that he might be a serial killer? I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the car at the same time was extremely unlikely.
202. Once I convince myself that I can't do something, nobody can stop me. Stephan Hoppe
203. I could tell you a COVID joke but 99.5% of you wouldn't get it.
204. It's NOT a vaccine! It's an operating system.
205. The world is a fine place and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part.
206. I'm still waiting for someone to walk up to me and say, “I was a fruit picker until those illegals showed up.”
207. Me: Be kind because you never know what someone else is going through. Also Me: Nice turn-signal, fuckface.
208. Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
209. Fuck the pseudo-introspective and self-congratulatory group masturbation that is medium.com.
210. If both the man and the woman had to climax in order to achieve pregnancy, there'd be a lot less people in the world.
211. Hey, everyone! Come inside if you want to have your butts blown by a freaking clown! Ben Pemberton
212. So what you sayin'? I'm stupid just because I'm 21 and still in high school?!
213. Happiness is slavery. P. Cameau
214. Erde an Trump: Fuck You! Berliner Kurier on June 1, 2017
215. What's the hardest thing about roller skating? Telling your parents that you're gay.
216. We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistence is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
217. Me in fifth grade: I will never drink or smoke or do any drugs ever. Me now: I probably wouldn't do meth.
218. I knew my wife was cheating on me when she said that she was out shopping with her best friend, but her best friend was lying right next to me.
219. Sorry I haven't texted you in a while. I haven't been drunk.
220. Let's be realistic...Pornhub should be the default homepage for incognito mode in your browser.
221. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
222. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f@#! was going on when I first saw it.
223. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
224. When two people kiss, an approximately 14 meter long tunnel is created between both of their assholes.
225. Marilize Leguana.
226. Ever notice that the sound a woman makes when she is ready for loving is exactly like the sound that macaroni and cheese makes when you're stirring it in a bowl?
227. For every hot single woman, there's a man who got tired of her shit.
228. I know it's wrong to Facebook when you're drunk, but you guys have got to hear this...
229. To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence. Stephan Hoppe
230. Dear Mary, Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand. Sincerely, Joseph
231. We should change LOL to NE (nose exhale) because that's all we really do when we see something funny online.
232. Et bien, On trouve que vous êtes arrogants, brailleurs, libidineux, lâches, incultes ... et sale.
233. There is no "i" in happyness.
234. Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you.
235. Ta mère est tellement grosse que quand elle marche avec des talons aiguilles, elle trouve du pétrole.
236. Ta mère est tellement grosse que quand elle porte un chandail rouge, elle se fait courir après par des enfants qui lui crient: "Kool aid!"
237. Quelle est la différence entre ta mère et un éléphant? Environ 8 kilos.
238. Ta mère est tellement grosse que quand elle va en camping, les ours doivent cacher LEUR nourriture.
239. Sometimes, the sexiest thing a woman can do ... is forgive.
240. With WHAT, you're male modeling?! Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?!
241. You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the lord that she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid!
242. People who get offended when I breast feed in public can go to hell. What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog.
243. You mustn't assume that the things you like are good for you. If that were true, we'd all be on heroin.
244. I've never seen bat shit but if I did I'd be like, wow, that looks exactly like my ex-wife's personality.
245. Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go f*** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
246. Now when I start makin' love to my woman...I don't stop until I know she's sassy-fied...and I can ALWAYS tell when she gets sassy-fied...because when she gets sassy-fied, she start caaalllin' my name..she say - Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ooooh S***!..Clarence Carter...
247. Your mom is so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed the first season of Lost.
248. Your mom is so fat, she sat on Walmart and lowered the prices.
249. Your mom is so fat, she has mass whether the Higgs Boson exists or not.
250. Your mom is so fat, when she stepped on the scale, the doctor said "Holy crap! That's my phone number!!"
251. Ta mère est tellement grosse qu'elle se tenait sur la balance, et le médecin a crié : "Putain de merde! Voilà mon numéro de téléphone!"
252. Your mom is so fat that even Dora couldn't explore her.
253. Your mom is so fat that her Polo shirt has a real horse on it.
254. Your mom is so fat that after sex with her I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her.
255. Your mom's so ugly she made Chuck Norris have a heart attack.
256. I like my women the way I like my coffee - ground up and in the freezer.
257. My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.
258. If I was ever playing hide-and-go-seek I would want Anne Frank on my team.
259. The best item to protect you from sasquatch attacks is a camera.
260. All of my possessions for a moment of time. Elizabeth I
261. When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life be all like, "Whaaaat?"
262. I was born a sinner. My sin is mentioned in the Bible 25 times. I've tried to change...luckily society has learned to accept left-handed people.
263. Let me tell you something boy, wherever your Dad goes, good times follow. Usually a minute or two after he leaves.
264. She's a sad tomato. She's three miles of bad road.
265. We are being controlled by the random outcomes of a complex system.
266. Optimistic people live longer. Now there's a depressing thought.
267. I don't feel too well. I'd better get my colloidal silver out of my mana pouch and get to my Reiki specialist immediately.
268. Obey. Work. Consume. Do not question authority. Pay your taxes. Support your troops. Do not question the system. Trust the system.
269. I hate when people don't address me as doctor, like my PhD in cultural studies doesn't matter.
270. Education is important but cold beer is importanter.
271. If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words 'dot com' to the end of everything you say dot com.
272. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
273. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down we both thought it was a pretty good joke.
274. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'
275. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
276. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
277. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
278. The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'
279. I've always wanted to attempt to rob a bank on April Fool's day. If I got caught, I'd be like 'April Fools!' but if I got away, I'd be like, 'Damn, I'm pretty good at robbing banks.'
280. I walked into the room dripping ... in gold.
281. Liquor before beer and you're in the clear. Toothpaste before orange juice and you're dead.
282. Beware the world.
283. It's funny because it's not me...
284. Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
285. I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.
286. It's not a tumour!!!
287. Eets nahd a toomah!!!
288. You wanna f*** with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend.
289. Elmo loves to pretend!
290. I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
291. Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!
292. I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
293. I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
294. Homer no function beer well without.
295. If you love something, let it go. So that's what I did with my body. Homer Simpson
296. To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. Homer Simpson
297. Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
298. What truffles are to pigs, so are charlatans and penny-farthers to my mental acuity! Frasier Crane
299. Family, religion, friends... these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Homer Simpson
300. Weaseling out of work is important to learn; it is what separates humans from animals. Except for weasels. Homer Simpson
301. Religion has no place in public schools the same way facts have no place in organized religion. Homer Simpson
302. Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.
303. He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.
304. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
305. Jesus said to John: "Come forth I will give you eternal life." Instead John came fifth and won a toaster.
306. Life is like an analogy.
307. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
308. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
309. Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
310. You're like a slinky - completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
311. I put the sexy in dyslexic.
312. If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
313. Without me, it's just aweso.
314. This girl rang me up one time, she said "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...
315. When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
316. Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat
317. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
318. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
319. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
320. If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
321. If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
322. I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.
323. Dyslexics Of The World Untie.
324. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a carton. Coincidence? I think not!
325. I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
326. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
327. If I were very old, I would like to live in Peterborough, Ontario. The transition between Peterborough and death would be unnoticeable.
328. Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? that's because I laced your martini with the measles vaccine. You're autistic now.
329. The greatest enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephan Hoppe
330. Computers have an off switch. For their own good, people need to find it.
331. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Demetri Martin
332. A huge turn on for me is when people smell good and are hot. Sometimes spicy. Wrapped in tinfoil. Are actually burritos. Demetri Martin
333. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin
334. If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes...or act juicy. Demetri Martin
335. I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. Demetri Martin
336. About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
337. I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying ‘I'm standing right behind you.' Demetri Martin
338. If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin
339. What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat. Demetri Martin
340. When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin
341. I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word 'dictionary' and it said, 'you're an asshole'. Demetri Martin
342. When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish'. Demetri Martin
343. Dreamcatchers work, if your dream is to be gay. Demetri Martin
344. Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore. Demetri Martin
345. Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. Demetri Martin
346. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin
347. A Lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. Demetri Martin